Not Ready

     This is my last year in Division B Science Olympiad.
     I guess I always knew it was coming; I just didn't realise it would be quite so soon. It's two days from Nats, and suddenly, it's hitting me hard right now. I always knew it, but I never realised it. This is my last Nationals as a Division B'er. This is the last year when I can medal in the events I spent years mastering. This is the last year of being a true Science Olympiad family (unless the high school can get their shiz together). This is the breaking up of the middle school, moving on, and the ending of something so good and so great that I almost can't bear to let it go.

     I'm not ready to move on. I'm not sure I ever will be.

     Two years in Division A SO, and I was completely ready to start Division B. Four years in Division B SO, and I never want to leave. Through my experiences in SO, I have gained the best friends of my life, I have learned responsibility and management, I have learned what it means to be a true leader, I have learned what it means to play for the team, and so much more. I have stuffed my head full of knowledge that I never would have known otherwise--and I have made the best friends of my life.

     Sure, we have a Division C SO team, but it's not the same. The Division C team is a bunch of disjointed, disoriented mess that's not quite together yet. This is the last time as a concrete team.

     Six days. Six days and this is all over. Six days and the absolute best time of my life comes to an end.

     I remember when I was in sixth grade and made Nats for the first time...I was so young then. I was the youngest person going--one of the youngest people to ever go on the Nationals trip with my team, at eleven and a half years old. I remember thinking that this was great, and I didn't ever want to stop. I remember realising that eventually, I would have to stop, but that wouldn't be until I finished ninth grade, and that was so far away back then. I was so sweet and innocent back then...I was still a nerdy loner, yes, but I didn't scare people and I didn't have much malice towards anyone.

    It's been three or four years since that day. Since then, I have moulded myself into someone almost totally unrecognisable from that sweet, shy sixth grader who walked around with a smile. I'm cynical and cold now, sarcastic to everyone, unappreciative and arrogant, and more jaded than any teenager has a right to be. I'm loud and opinionated, and I will correct you if I think you're wrong. I'm not afraid to flaunt my talents, I'm not afraid to make a very strong impression. I now view the human race with disdain and contempt, and am often pretty malicious. I scare people--I really do. Not just fun scare them, but scare them in a way that they will go to lengths to avoid me. I never intended to do that, but that is how it happened, and I'm not sure if I regret that.
    The path that has been taken to achieve that was...undeserved of anyone, if I do say so myself. It was incredibly tough, and for a lot of it, I was alone and didn't have anything or anyone to fall back on, so I turned inward and kept everyone else out with iron walls. I was scared, I was hurt, I was terrified of what people could do.

    The only thing that has kept me from totally collapsing inwards on myself is Science Olympiad. Through it, I found a few pillars to lean against when I got tired, people to help me carry my load when I was about to be crushed by everything, and I found a purpose. I found passion and a burning desire to learn, to know.

     And now...now I'm losing that. I won't ever completely let go of Science Olympiad--I don't think that's possible for me--but I'm losing so much of what I loved.

And I'm not ready.
Not yet.