Sunday 14 December 2014

Been a While

Definitely has been a while. And yes, I have about a hundred more Notebook of People poems stocked up; however, I'm not posting one today.

I'm restless. I always knew that, of course; I have this complete inability to do just one thing at a time because my brain reacts so fast to everything. But now? I have this constant ache in my chest, in my heart, like something in me just wants to get out. Because I want to do more, see more, and I'm so very aware that every day, every second, I'm losing time.

Society is so demanding sometimes, crowding you in, not letting you have any choices in what you want to do. I can't stay in one place. I'm too restless and I want too much. It's itchy, uncomfortable, driving, and sometimes I think if I stay one more day in this dull, listless place where everything is mapped and planned out, I'll go mad. The days are monotonous. The same. Boring. I don't think I'm meant for that. I'm always itching to go find something new, discover something exciting, be someone I never thought I could be.

Once upon a time, I scoffed at anything life had to give. Now, I want to scratch and dig and pull out anything it might have to offer by the roots. Except I can't. I'm limited by my age, by money, by my family, by a thousand circumstances that I can't change unless I completely uproot my whole life. Sometimes I think I'd do that. I think I'd throw everything away to start new just to feel different than I do.

I used to search for a meaning in life. Now I search for all of life. I've found my meaning, and I've learned all I can from this tiny town. I've always been restless. I've always wanted to see everything. I just didn't realize how much I wanted it.

I look at my parents, so sedate in their life. They go to work. They come home. They drive me to swim practice. It cycles, over and over. It never changes. I don't want to be that. I can't be that. I don't want to settle down and just exist until I'm so exhausted that I can't stand on my feet anymore. I need to be doing more. There has to be more. I have to find that more.

I've been everywhere but here, tried everything but this
Somehow I'm still far too scared to take the leap
As if I could somehow sprout wings and catch myself
Before I spiral too far down, down, and drown
Speak a truth I've always known but never heard
I could live like this, but I wouldn't survive
I'd die as I lived, live as I died
Set myself free, chain myself to cliffs
Twisting until the mountain crumbles to dust
And I turn to dust, become a mountain that I could never be
What could I be if I wasn't just me?

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